Fleeting Illusions

2011-12-27T11:26:00.004+05:30

Sri Lanka..
I will never get tired of you..

Sand, sun n waves..
I'll always be yearning to be back in your arms, mesmerized by your grace..

Yep, it's this simple sometimes.. :)

no easy way out

2011-11-14T22:28:00.002+05:30

Just when she thinks things are getting smoother
Just when she thinks life was getting simpler
Just when she allow her dreams to soar a bit higher
Life snarls again with its claws sharped stronger...

Someone once told satisfaction is all we are after
Each one for himself, a selfish tolerator
She begs to see some higher divinity, peace of mind
Where love truly exists, selfishness devoid

Forgiveness for hurting, if hurting is what it was
Allow a bit more space, for this weak soul to grow
Forgiveness for believing, in a life based on hope
Within these shackles, she'll strive a bit more...

Dream girl..

2011-11-13T11:56:00.004+05:30

I am still trying to get into writing on this blog again..
Read this poem again after awhile now.. it always made me smile :)
I love the ending of a memoried day regardless of the outcome.. we are but dreamers..
" The heart is still aching to seek, But the feet question 'Whither? - Robert Frost"

YOU will come one day in a waver of love,
Tender as dew, impetuous as rain,
The tan of the sun will be on your skin,
The purr of the breeze in your murmuring speech,
You will pose with a hill-flower grace.

You will come, with your slim, expressive arms,
A poise of the head no sculptor has caught
And nuances spoken with shoulder and neck,
Your face in a pass-and-repass of moods
As many as skies in delicate change
Of cloud and blue and flimmering sun.

Yet,
You may not come, O girl of a dream,
We may but pass as the world goes by
And take from a look of eyes into eyes,
A film of hope and a memoried day..

-Carl Sandberg

Photo credit

someday..

2011-11-03T20:33:00.002+05:30

Mesmerized by this quote..

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it..
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
T. Davis

I want to someday be content, just to feel.. comfortable..

that you can't understand..

2011-11-02T09:41:00.000+05:30

this inherent sadness, that wants to make you burst out crying, for no apparent reason.

this unsureness of what you want, and why you are not where you want to be

this loathing of clingings you want to let go of

this sorrow. that you can't understand.

saturday aft. post*

2009-06-21T22:14:00.007+05:30

Went to sleep last night determined that come morning, I am not going to convince myself I am too lazy to go for lectures and then few hours later find myself merrily roaming around colombo/mount beach window shopping and people watching. Like last Saturday! Then I actually woke up to this morning. With soft rain drops on the roof and a sluggish gloominess seeping through the blinds.

So here I am, happily sedated by the weather, a hearty breakfast plus the after effects of a long working week. Prepped up to watch a movie but I am actually LONGINNNNG for the beach. Again. I am somewhat addicted to the rolling waves, the assortment of humans and the myriad of colors in the setting sri lankan sun. And a chilled beer ofcourse.
And as I type this I wonder whether I sound like THAT hikka type crowd pleasing ganja smoking bikini clad, bf hugging persona.. arghh. You know the type, yes? What with social networking and reduced connectivity tariffs all of Colombo somewhat seems blending into few kinds of people. Everyone seems to be wanting to become this one fad. Now if I was Cerno, I would certainly be able to present this in a scientific fact finding style of writing, but who would I be kidding eh.
Which makes me wonder, what kind of person I sound like on this blog.. I am not that much of an active blogger, but whatever that finds it way on this, is more of who I am than what I might seem like in the real world. looking back my first ever post I was quite hesitant in what I might put in here. It was obviously easy to open up to a blogging community when you are annonymous, but with time, I've come not to mind certain information that might reveal who I am.. and now I am pretty sure I am quite pseudo-anonymous as whackster puts it, as it’s not that hard to connect this n that and figure certain things.
Oh well..
Note the unfiltered unstructured line of thought on this post itself? That is quite normal in my terrains, apart from certain occasions. And for that reason I love this blog. More the reason why I want to get back into writing in it more often..

And guess what.. I am just about to head out, riding on that whim n whine inside my head.. will complete this when iam back!

*Back after a small saturday afternoon shopping spree, a Viennese brownie with hot chocolate sauce, a movie, a Sunday and an empty wallet.. and this post is not complete but I shall put it up anyway, before I rush into the week, or I will never get on with it.

Thrilogy : on June 12th, three worlds will collide. And not a word will be spoken..

2009-06-10T10:09:00.006+05:30

People of the world, or in this case SL, don't miss out on this musical fusion..

Pioneering instrumental fusion-band ‘Thriloka’: enter stage right.
The 18-piece ‘Contemporary Chamber Orchestra’, conducted by Manilal Weerakoon: enter stage left.

Witnesses to the musical marriage: enter main hall.

Doors close at 7:45pm.

Lights dim.

And from the most intimate of all sounds – silence – we begin the consummation of polarized musical entities. Warming you up to a rock’n’roller-coaster ride through the softly grooving temptations of exotica via the visions of psychadelia to the screaming pulsations of molten metal. Thriloka + Orchestra + You = Fusion at its nucleus-splitting hottest. *

Get your tickets soon guys, it's this friday..

*So yes, I shamelessly copied most of this post from their event page, but in my defence I am rushing out to work (workaholic in me is in full swing).

peace and one nation lu..

2009-05-18T18:07:00.003+05:30

Heard about it at work, I didn’t feel a thing. Went and checked the news online and even with the newsflash with a huge picture of the man himself right in front of me, I felt this awkwardness, slight uncomfortableness. Should I be celebrating something? At home right now, went through a bit of local news on tv, heard about all the ‘events’ from several sources and I still feel the same. I don’t understand the crackers or all the jubilant fb status updates. Rather I can’t relate to them. And I can’t place this feeling. Does this hesitant feeling label an unpatriotic? They say it’s over, but why don’t I feel it’s over? The doubt. Fuelled by years of conditioning, has it rendered me feelingless or is this apathy at its core?

Plus how can we be lighting crackers, dancing around when they are several hundred thousands of people only with the clothing in their body suffering up north?

I don’t want to be an armchair politician. I don’t even talk about this with anyone yet alone assert any opinion. Just penning down my thoughts at a day our country declared the bloodshed is over. Whether it’s really over from today, we will only know with time.

The barricades will have to come down. The divisions of a them and us in paper and in mind, will have to dissolve and everyone should be able to treat everyone else with dignity, trust and respect. And all those people who have suffered at both ends?, the real challenge would be winning them over. Wining their hearts and minds to put the past behind and live together in peace. I think I will feel truly a one nation, when I see this happening..

Time (and other things)…

2009-05-17T13:27:00.002+05:30

So now that I am toiling in the chilly air-conditioning drinking free coffee and milo and contributing to the GDP of Sri Lanka by staring at a big rectangular object and judging a few unfortunate individuals on what they during their day looking at a slightly smaller rectangular contraption + misleading few filthy-rich westerners on what to do with their illegally earned green, I have been very affectionately labeled a corporate-bastard by the not-so-cynical-gone-all-soft-one (she’s looking at baby products in Arpico I hear). Her whores are her men!

On a mental check, I still haven’t gone all bastardly on anyone, even though I was given a chance few weeks back. My first ever ‘difficulty’ was a brat with a too big of an ego on his shell of a head, sending me irritating text messages on whether I am deserving to be his friend or not. Seriously. I found myself with my mouth open in disbelief immediately followed by flames shooting out my ears for the first few instances of these hysterical ‘friendship episodes’. The cheek of the guy, to base his ‘debate’ coz I didn’t reply a sms on whether I am on his school’s side or not for some stupid bigmatch GIVEN that I never even tried to BE his friend and I am his immediate boss! After a few patient replies I realized I am talking to a complete dickhead and then it became a source of entertainment minus a few instances of me grinding my teeth and being all civil to him while strangling him blue in my head. I was sincerely concerned in the beginning, given that this is the first time I am in charge of a group of people in a corporate level, but I am allergic to bullshit and arrogance, especially coming from a kid who thinks he can become the company CEO within 3 months! (well he said he wanted to get promoted to my level in a few months which got me laughing hysterically (thank god in my head) coz sonny with your attitude, you wont be going anywhere for sometime).

Not trying to scratch my own back here, but I am quite a nice person ‘generally’ :P even to the people I can’t stand I CAN be civil upto a level. But this was pushing the limit over the line and the equator and the bloody sun. And what frustrated me to a level that I am writing this right now is that I joined this place thinking I’ll get exposure to some real issues, not melodramatic highschool comedy!

That done, I’m still getting used to waking up so damn early (6am!) and following a routine. Not having been in a routine for almost 4 years, it’s a good feeling since I perform best when in routine. Which also means uni-life was one whole tangled up mess which I am quite proud of actually.

Now why did I title this post time??

Not quite sure, but I think it’s because this post was meant to be something about how time has being zipping past. People I know are popping out babies and I wonder why?! To realize I am not as 22 as I think I am (and isn’t it strange how many I’s are there in this para? ) I still can’t imagine myself married yet alone cleaning poop and wiping cute asses. But yea recently I’ve been wanting the whole TLC side of things of having a boyfriend and to be honest sometimes it sucks. Today morning was such and such, but a group of 10 year old brats cheered me up by bullying me. I think they help me more than I am helping them to learn. I manage to de-stress by shouting and screaming at them and end up laughing when they just sit their grinning. Impossible but very sweet, most of them.

I just read through what I have typed and if anyone got through to this point, I am sorry. Everything I want to say is coming through too fast to get hold of and sort out and I jsut HAD to type ‘em all. I need to do this writing business more often than this. But time?!

Ooh btw..
Check this site for more.

metamorphosis ..

2009-04-24T13:26:00.007+05:30

I’ve been dragging my heels when it comes to lot of things lately. Blogging included. Reason being that, I am gearing up for a substantial change in lifestyle and environment, and it’s gotten me all anxious..

I’ve had a very easy life as far as basic material needs go, and while truly grateful for that, I also realize that I can’t honestly put myself in a young adult’s life who’s handed down responsibilities of life the moment he or she is done with basic education. Knowing few such people, it amazes and inspires me at the same time, and makes me wonder, what I’d do if it actually came to that. Would we all rise up to the challenge when the calling comes? Natural basic survival cue or does it take a certain strength of character which not all of us might possess?
Rhetorical, maybe.

I haven’t had many grave responsibilities to lever through for the past odd years of adulthood, and I wonder whether it’s enough to prepare me for what is it come in the next few months. Minus a vague idea, I honestly don’t know where I am going, and though the saying goes that it’s not the destination but the path that matters, I feel it inadequate not to have a specific detailed goal. There are many things in life I want to do, and it bothers me that I am not satisfied with learning one thing. I have dabbled at several things academic wise and I like them all, and want to learn them all, plus more. Wiser ones tell me that it’s better to be/know one thing in whole rather than a lot of things. Yet I am intrigued by many, and if I had the resources I would go out and get ‘em all. For now I am sticking by a safer path, dare I say maybe a cowardly one, one that will assure a steady fulfilling income. A path I think I can excel in, but not my foremost choice if I had a one. Maybe I do, and I am too cowardly. This is why I admire those creative ones, the simple artists of all kinds, who dare to go on a creative sensitive limb yet not much worry about materialistic side of things. I wish I was one, but being honest to myself I am not, I cannot survive without certain assurances. Those tiny little ideal dreams a lot of us have, snuck away in a corner ? Well I wish could be a carefree spirit,living in a beach house in a quaint little town, without much care in the world of how my next bread and butter will come by. Free to express. With a twist of a brush and a dab of exotic colour. A very simple comfortable life sans a lot of clutter. Ha! Anyone who knows me personally will know this is hardly how anyone would see me in one glance.

On another side, I’ve given a lot of space to myself on my personal life. The one that matters the most to me, and I think will drive my life one day. Right now I appear to be all careerheaded, but truth be told, deep inside I am far from it. I crave love, as any human might, and though I don’t see that as a weakness, there are some characteristics in me that I myself am scared of letting loose. Growing up has taught its hard lessons in many forms. One too many where I have wounded myself and others by getting too close to people, of not having the strength to call it quits when I see warning signs. And when I did decide to quit, I found out I am not so alone as I thought I'd be, and there’s always be someone to get you through such times. For the past one and half years, the ppl i've grown fond of, they may have not known me since childhood, not know everything I did in highschool or know what my fathers first name is, but sometimes by just being around, a sincere hug or a nudging with a simple ‘you okay ya’ and keeping you distracted, have provided me with much more than I could have asked for. For my part I haven’t been easy now and then, and very cryptic most of the time. But sometimes it’s easier that way. For everyone. And I think I will give myself more time, and for now my not-so-perfect bunch of hippies/weirdos/metalheads will do :)

I know now this is all one long ramble, feel free to stop anytime now.

Thinking of what kind of person you wish to be down the line in 10 years, whether people would remember you for your heart and strength of character, or the silly petty things and mistakes the might come your way. Whether you will actually have a heart and character at all, after your life has been put through the corporate-grinding-mill.. Wondering whether the veil is strong enough to protect what’s inside..Bracing yourself for the challenges of a commercial world, an ugly one at that, with plenty of twofaced characters to go around. Yet with its own dose of amusement and drama, I hear.

It’s sometimes sad that you can’t see the world in those same bright colours and borders anymore. The shades of grey (as cliché as it sounds) can be frustrating yet give you hope at the same time. I know I have grownup from the idealistic heart-on-a-sleeve girl I was, but I wonder whether it’s enough. And in the end whether I’ll be happy with the outcomes..

So such and such, my long hiatus of cocooning myself is over whether I like it or not, and soon I’d be super busy, where I have plunged myself into a demanding schedule, especially given that I’ve been lazying around blissfully ignorant for the past 6 months.

One stage over another metamorphosis to an unknown started...

One pair of nice feet please

2009-04-22T16:50:00.005+05:30

“Nice clean feet too?? That’s it! take my word for it. If there ever is a thing as a soul mate, HE is yours woman! ”

That was the reaction by my comrade A, to a certain random yet very fitting, feet revelation about a guy. Realised how much I have obsessed over checking the random nice looking guy’s feet before all else. Anyone noticed a pleasant pair lately? My guess would be a no, since it’s very hard to come by SL men with presentable feet.
I really can’t recall when my foot fetish (if I may call it one) started.. Only memory is of overhearing some conversation when I was small about how men who actually bother to take care of their feet, at least keep it clean and trimmed, would make very good partners.
The logic was, ones feet are at a setting of getting easily dirty yet it is also located furthest from the face and rest of the upper body which we generally use to project our personality. Most people give little or no attention to their feet because of this very fact. Others can’t really see them, so why bother? That’s the attitude I’ve seeing from a lot of ‘em out there. Anyhow, yea, so the theory goes that a man who would actually spend time maintaining and taking care of a healthy pair of feet, will do so to his close friends and family as well, however the dirty the scene might get. No pedicures needed really, just everyday soap and water and a bit of trimming would do.

Anyhow, this has become somewhat of a fantasy theory now, where the feet checkup naturally happens regardless of the gender attached to it. Despite the theory, I still have a thing for nice feet and hands.

Subha aluth avurudhak veva

2009-04-14T21:21:00.008+05:30

I remember in a bygone era, sleepily waking up on a April 14th morning in my grandparents house in Galle, to the aromas of vaious delicacies wafting from the typical gamey kitchen. About 15 of us cousins,all over mattresses on the hall, still groggy after late night games, waking up one by one to this aunt or that uncle coming and nudging us to get ready soon. It was crowded, but all of us managed to find a comfortable place to sleep in my grandparents’ house, which was modestly large, given that it saw through nine siblings. It was THE DAY of the year for all of us, where we got to see all the cousins, aunts and uncles in one house together. Imagine around 9 pairs of uncles and aunts and their kids, it totaled upto 30-40 people or more. Thus ensued a milky tea and a hurried breakfast of rice and ambulthiyal and lunumiris and kirihodi soaked in that smokey flavour from the dara-lipa.

For us it was then either rounds in the paddyfields, playing cricket, fighting around, playing cards, daam, exploring, and anything and everything we could think of. Time seemed eternal and we were free as we could ever be. Everyone knew the house and people around, we were safe to roam around the village and the paddy fields at the edge of the sprawling garden. Being the only girl grandchild for 7 years, and a tomboy at that, I remember playing and fighting with the boys. I was competitive as them when it came to cricket and demanded all fairness even when they lobbed the ball softly when I was batting or missed a catch on purpose. I remember the small fights, the small kids wanting to play with us and us shooing/bribing/tricking them off.

Then comes the much awaited nakath time to eat.. All of us fresh and hungry after a wash, sometimes from the well, sometimes from the tap outside, we'll all line up in fresh clothes, and my grand pa would feed everyone the first bite, from the eldest, my grandma and parents, to the youngest 3 month old infant. It was a long line of eager mouths. And one huge table of sweets and curries. :)

After a huge lunch and a bit of frolicking around we’d start worshipping all the elders. Every single person in the house got involved and for us kids we found excitement in the simple fact of worshipping all the 20 something odd adults. And due to the large number of people, the ganudenu was combined in, and all of us would tightly clutch the money we got, and count it all together later. And keep it hidden somewhere in our pockets. I remember getting the most from my grandfather and father and this one particular uncle. 100rps and 500rps were colossal amounts to us 10 year olds. In between all these crackers were set off, and I remember being jealous of some of my cousins coz my parents wouldn’t let me near a cracker yet along light one.

On some years, when the younger batch of little kids started growing up, us older ones even held avurudu games for them, and believe me there were enough kids to go around for plenty of brawls and blows and snot. Right now all of us cousins from my maternal side count up to 25, with the oldest being 31 and youngest being 4 years old. :)

I am wistful for that feeling. Sitting on a banister on the porch in my seeyas house sipping tea, watching the uncles and ayyas play cricket, watching the little ones play secret games of their own, listening to the female banter mixed with laughter and busyness coming from the kitchen, maybe a cricket match on the tv, some uncles reading the papers on the verandah, visitors coming and going commenting on how old we’re getting. I am grateful for these memories. Especially now, when my grandparents are very old and frail and live with us in Colombo, while the old mahagedara in Galle crumble down alone. Everyone’s too scattered around to make it to one house, and even if they do, it’s still not the same. It has to be Galle, it has to be that pale yellow home with its own little jungle, wells and paddyfields. And nothing like a one big huge family with random brawls, fairly shared by both kids and adults, yet plenty of smiles and good spirits to go around in the end.

I am glad my parents made the time within their busy schedules. And sometimes feel sorry for the modern child of nintendos, mobile phones and computer games.

Never did I think then, that these experiences as a child would be appreciated and cherished so dearly as an adult. Will always be treasured...

Subha aluth avurudhak veva everyone..

come and go

2009-04-13T15:29:00.006+05:30

You know when you have a very mundane conversation and there's another one happening within those lines without either of the parties willingly admitting to it? The conversation we had just now, felt exactly like that. and yes I am gonna keep it cool. You asked me about it, and then referred to the job. So yes, it's about the job chaos. :)
It's better this way. You tell me you want to go home.. and the next one might just take you there. So let this ferry come and go.

I forgot to credit the pic - by Islandtime

The real crisis? We stopped being wise

2009-03-22T20:37:00.004+05:30

Randomly stumbled across TED recently and have been going through all the videos for awhile now. Pretty interesting speeches on almost anything you can imagine, from CERN's supercollider to creativity, to magic to AIDS to Wii.

Kristen Ashburn's heart rending pictures_of_AIDS

NatGeo, Photography Connects

How ordinary people become monsters ... or heroes

Designer Yves Behar digs up his creative roots -"..advertising is the price companies pay for being un-original"

Another interesting one about Twitter and creativity of its users by Twitter's co-founder

Fly away in to the white darkness..

2009-03-19T15:49:00.004+05:30

"You should never be too impressed by people with good manners. They are the ones who will give a friendly wave even when they've stolen from you. They are the type to sweetly welcome you, even as they try to uncover your secrets. And don't be too offended by someone who is openly rude, because they may be that way for the nicest of reasons."

"It’s a shocking moment for each of us. That moment we realize we are all alone in this world. The family we take for granted could one day abandon us. The husband we trust so implicitly might betray us. The daughter we love so deeply perhaps won’t return to us. And then we could end up all by ourselves. Of course, some see great value in going it alone."

"When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed, the damage it will do. So they conceal it within sturdy walls or they place it behind closed doors or they obscure it with clever disguises but truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges. And someone we care about always ends up getting hurt. And someone else will revel in their pain and that's the ugliest truth of all."

"Temptation comes to all of us. Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life. Or a new friend who could end up being so much more. Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had. And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing come morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences."

"The world is filled with unlikely friendships. Odd pairings that to the casual observer make absolutely no sense at all. But if you look closer, we can see why these alliances form. After all, a shared purpose can give even mortal enemies common ground."

"In some ways we grow up; we have families... we get married, divorced... but for the most part we still have the same problems that we did when we were fifteen. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling... forever wondering, forever... young."

" There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?"

There you go.. some transcendental advice from the Omniscient One, Blue S!* ...
Doodling around with the super hero creator ended up with me looking like the exotic creature on the left, tho I admit it got slightly Britney. All the available hairdos were too uncool. so no can help lor!

I've always wanted to fly away.

*actually the quotes are from desperate housewives of Wysteria Lane.

Eloquent Sach

2009-03-16T14:25:00.004+05:30

Bless her soul. For actively being a daily source of entertainment. ;)

Of a Moon, a Beachboy and a Poker

2009-03-12T18:55:00.006+05:30

I haven't really been in a mood to blog at all, so will be posting little random things until that-a-kinda feeling passes.

6 in a million chance

2009-03-07T23:13:00.006+05:30

USJ rides, cherry brandy wine. Lottery tickets n marshmellow hearts
Champagne leaves, strawberry skies
Round and round the carousel
Spin. Spin. Spin.

another munich ?

2009-03-03T11:23:00.002+05:30

I wake up to read 'Gunmen attack SL Cricketers' on my homepage.
Seems quite surreal, and weird, now that is happening outside of Sri Lankan, to our cricketers, a bunch of people truly symbolising Sri Lanka. Usually it's always bomb going off, or this or that attack. happning IN Sri Lanka.
Thank goodness none of the players are seriously injured. It seems unlikely they were shooting directly at the players, or atleast I am left wondering how the policemen died whereas the players only got small injuries. Whatever it is, why. why. and
Why ? and as Indi has said, WTF Pakistan?! what happened to heavy security envoys?

My mom, the gadge-a-matic

2009-02-21T20:08:00.005+05:30

She came into my room asking for some help to fix the net on to her laptop, in other terms meaning to configure the modem. I asked her to give me 10 minutes, I’ll finish what I was doing and come. Five minutes later I find her, spectacles perched up on the nose, leaning towards the screen with each step she reads on the instruction manual. She tells me it’s all done but it won’t connect. So the techy that I am, I check on it, and after rummaging around my brain come to the brilliant conclusion that it requires a difficult troubleshooting procedure of pressing the restart button. Viola! Problem fixed.

I turn around to go back to my book, when she goes “one more thing please”, “I want Google Earth”. I look at her for awhile, confused.
You want what?
Google earth, child.

My mom the almost 60 years old this year, old OLDD lady, is not supposed to know these things. Not supposed to even know about Google Earth yet along want to find our house on it. That’s was her reply to my, ‘ayyo you have to download something and do a lot of work, and WHY?!?! why do you want Google Earth?’ So she wants to look at our house, our aunts house, my fathers workplace out of town and so on and on. On Google Earth.
THAT’s my mom.
The tech-gadget freak.

Seriously. She is! Looking back, I think it started with a computer. Somewhere in the early 90s our house had a pc, thanks to her official work, eons before computers became very popular in SL. And I still remember the rules. It’s very very expensive. Don’t break it. Don’t switch it on without her around. Wait until the blinking light stops before you go ahead with the next mouse click. Don’t break it. etc etc. I remember staring at the little blinking yellow light waiting for it to stop blinking and whirring. We were kids then, and all we did was play the only game available on it, a black and white space game, where the mouse was like a small rocket shooting at huge space boulders coming at it, and breaking them into smaller pieces and continue on to break those pieces up. It was white lines on black space. I can’t remember what it was called.

From then onwards, now and then, we had upgrades to the comps at home, and now that I look back at it, I bet it was all her doing. Not my fathers! She’s owned numerous gadgets since then till now. Presently she has 2 pendrives and one of them with an mp3 player. She also has two phones, and has changed her phones and sims more than me during the past 6 years. That reminds me, she had a pendrive before none of us kids did, an external cd player and writer (back in the day when they didn’t come with the comp), and she had one of those ziplock drivers. No no, not the ziplock bags, but there was some gadgeamatic external drive that allowed you to save more to this special diskette than to the normal diskette that was available those days ( before CDs came to life). Somewhat like winzip. Yes, she found it on a trip to the US of A, and brought it home, excited like a little kid about being able to save all her files in one diskette. My mom is ever so curious about these things and it used to drive us kids, crazy. Mainly coz once we passed a certain age, we naturally caught on to the techy stuff faster than her, and it used to frustrate her that she didn’t catch up as fast as us. And she’ll come asking us, what is Bluetooth, what is infrared, how do you use MMS, what can you use that for. Sometimes she’ll get slow patient answers; sometimes it’ll be like ayyooo it’s too techy to explain! Go check on the net will you.

As annoying as parents can get sometimes, it’s quite amusing as well to see her almost child-like thirst to find out about all these techy stuff. My father is the complete opposite, I have had to teach him about 50 plus times (no exaggeration ) on how to click the start button, find the firefox sign, type hotmail, and locate his email. Finally he has managed it. My mom learned this a good decade before him. My mom the gadge-a-matic! :)

spooned little her

2009-02-17T13:56:00.011+05:30

sleepy warm breath nuzzling on a neck
stolen butterfly kisses on a chocolate shoulder blade.
wandering fingertips on a nestled arm
tiny little goosebumps in its wake.
soft love touch on a winding waist
tingly toes down entangled legs.
electric chill winding up a spine
warm cosy feeling, lazy smiles,
a backward glance.

She has already melted
from your soft fiery love..

Nakshastra time!

2009-02-09T14:58:00.005+05:30

Not in the exact mood write much these days, thus the random details and sneak peeks. With the boredom running at it's peek, I decided to do a horoscope thingy a friend sent. I don't believe in them, but found the results to be very interesting and freaky. These things have the effect that makes you almost want to believe in them..

Sun Sign: Scorpio
Rising Sign: Scorpio
Life Path Number: 6
Chinese Sign: Pig
Element: Water
Mode: Fixed
Ruler: Mars and Pluto
Color: Blood Red, Garnet Red, Brown

Famous Scorpios:
Marie Antoinette, Richard Burton, Madame Curie, Michael Dukakis, Larry Flynt, Bill Gates, Whoopi Goldberg, Grace Kelly, Vivien Leigh, Demi Moore, Burt Lancaster, Roy Lichtenstein, Martin Luther, Claude Monet, Georgia O'Keeffe, Pablo Picasso, Julia Roberts, Theodore Roosevelt.

Strengths:
Charismatic, competent, courageous, determined, honest, loyal, magnetic, passionate, profound, proud, reliable, sharp-witted

Weaknesses:
Jealous, merciless, obsessive, passive-aggressive, secretive, selective, self-destructive, speculative, vicious

Scorpio, the eighth sign of the zodiac, is best characterized by passion, intensity, and emotionality. You are considered the most powerful and extreme sign of the zodiac, because you deal with the process of fundamental transformation on all levels. Pluto is your ruler, Scorpio, and is known as the planet of permanent change and transformation. It is also associated with sex, the life cycle of birth and death, and regeneration.

You are the second of the three water signs. Pluto’s influence makes you a charismatic, yet enigmatic person. While you may appear serene on the surface, you contain a magnetic intensity and powerfully hypnotic personality, belied only by a penetrating stare of deep intelligence.

Scorpio, you rule the eighth house of the chart, which is associated with other people’s money, possessions, and values, as well as wealth received through inheritance; it also describes how and to what extent we commit, and bond with our partner, both on a sexual and emotional level.

Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you are steadfast in adversity. Once you put your mind to something, you display self-discipline and staying power. You work stoically to achieve your goals – no matter the cost!

Scorpio Rising, you have a kind of autonomy that no other ascendant seems to have. You are willing to risk your live in order to accomplish your goals. You pursue your objectives with a tremendous, fixed, emotional intensity, and are able to draw on hidden sources of power.

You try to always be in control of situations, so that you don’t need to depend on anyone. You avoid feeling vulnerable at any price! Your obsession with staying on top of everything becomes a passionate battle for power.

While you may appear composed and self-possessed on the surface, you contain a charismatic intensity and mesmerizing personality beneath the surface, much like an active volcano before eruption. It’s very hard for others to resist you, when you want to draw them into your net, because of your mysterious magnetism.

Your universe is infinite, deep, and spiritual, and people who decide to venture into it, can’t help but being touched by its unfathomable atmosphere. However, your universe is not a trap, it is rather a way for you to share an intensely emotional experience. Yet, your intimate world is not easy to reach, because it is hidden and secret. If someone wants to explore and discover it, they need to put a lot of effort, intensity, and time into it.

If your Life-Path number is SIX, a sense of responsibility will likely be prominent for you. SIXES are considered to be the most domestic of numbers and live a path related to leadership through example. This assumption of responsibility generally means that as a SIX, you’re always there to help others in any way you can. In fact, you must need to feel useful in order to be truly happy.

Those with a SIX Life-Path are usually very versatile and can communicate across any generation gap. SIXES are idealistic and usually recognize that wisdom, understanding, and balance are the cornerstones to assume responsibility in the best possible way.

It is common for SIXES to be devoted to their families and homes. This is usually the first priority for a SIX with helping the community coming a close second. Key words for a SIX Life-Path are responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, empathy, and family.

It can be challenging for some SIXES to take on the responsibility for what’s around them in a healthy balance. Careful planning and consideration for the self as well as others will alleviate feelings of overwhelm or guilt. Be careful not to be too critical or hard on yourself if you can’t do it all. Your path is one of assuming only what you are able.

Honest and upright, you advance in life like a tranquil bulldozer. You hate lies, hypocrites, and artifice. If you do something bad you feel terrible and guilty about it for a long time after the fact. For your family and friends you are generous and helpful. Sometimes you are even a little bit too generous because you don't know how to say no. People don't hesitate taking advantage of your good nature.

Underneath your exterior hides a ferocious determination for your inner codes to be respected. Nobody can impose their will on you unless you decide to let them. You make your decisions and take responsibility for your failures in private. You don't blame others for your mistakes. When there is a conflict, you take cover until the storm has passed. Others may criticize you for preferring to run rather than fight but raised voices, fights, and power games revile you. If your back is against the wall with no escape possible you become a daunting and violent adversary.

Behind your apparent good nature you hide your hypersensitivity and soul of a gambler. You love to experience all the pleasures that life has to offer to a maximum. Your sensuality and your taste for pleasure make you an expert in love - especially physical love. Your only risk is falling into lustful ways!

(urm... who is reading my crystal ball out there!!!)

the newest plan is...

2009-02-07T12:53:00.006+05:30

Scene - a conversation online.

Spice: ayyoo i wanna live by mysefl
her: hahahaha
her: yeah me too! but then i get so lonely by myself
her: and den i miss them
her: sigh
Spice: true , that too is there
Spice: lets get married soon then
Spice: want to marry me ?
her: hahahahahaha..yeah i really want toooo
her: yes yes
her: ok so we'll get married and we'll have our man whores to satisfy us...works?
Spice: YES!!!! perfect. who would be those perfect men now?

--------------------------
Spice: do you really want to get married soon?
her: hahaha...as in actually get married?
Spice: not to me. i mean. u know
her: hahaha...i get it..like heterosexual marriage..like normal ppl"?
her: lol..yes i do wna get married
her: but i need to find the guy!
Spice: sigh. yes
Spice: i dnt know what i want
her: i know wat i want
her: i want to get married to dis tall, dark and handsome guy whoz totally romantic and head over heels in love her: with me and i want to earn lots and lots and lots of money and build a house of my own.
and oh i want a very exciting and fun job...
Spice: lol.. sounds like something I would have said few years back
Spice: why couldnt one of us be a guy!
her: and den 1-2yrs after my marriage, i want beautiful kids!!
her: hahahahahahahah
her: den we wouldnt have had been living in the penthosue togetherr silly!
Spice: well u want to have a sex change?
Spice: or should i?
Spice: get a bit darker, n handsomer.
her: hahahahaha...
her: well...i am a bit of a gurlie gurl, and u are the taller one
Spice: but I dnt want to grow a penis.
her: :D
her: and i wouldnt want u to go through the pain of giving birth!
her: ooo i want a peniss!!
her: i wna be able to pee without sitting on those gross public toilets!!!!
Spice: no no. u can have the birth pains and the taking care of kids part.
Spice: but. how are we going to do all that. with you wanting a penis too
her: hahahah
Spice: i'll tell you. forget about the penis.
her: hahaha...okayy
her: anything for u my love
her: :P
Spice: you willing to do the babies,nappy changes and crying parts?
Spice: ooh what about cooking? Are you gonna learn cooking anytime missy?
Spice: this mister likes her meals yummy and on time
her: hahahahahahah
her: i don mind the cooking but u gta do the gross stuff like taking out the garbage
her: and dealing with the bills
Spice: cool.
her: hahaha
her: oo and the babys poooppp
her: pls do that
Spice: okay, as long as you handle the crying. and consoling.
her: haha..np
her: I WANT A BABY s!!
her: i want to buy one for like a couple of hours
Spice: I'll give you one. don't worry my love.
Spice: soon soon
Spice: have some patience
her: hahahahahaha
her: nyways hot stuff..i gtg now
her: i like our plan so dont forget bout it
Spice: alrighty
Spice: noway hosey

So the newest plan is, to get a sex change into a man without a penis and marry my bestfriend in Br.

Unshattered, yet.

2009-02-06T21:15:00.009+05:30

Basking in the memories of all the could have beens,
In the afterglow of lovers gone by.
Noone can surprise me now
other than you
other than you.

Would you come along?
If you knew everything I had to say
Would you come along?

You and I,
searching for the reasons for tonight.
It could all be wonderful, we know
But if I told you now everything I had to say
Would you come along?
Would you come along?

Listening to INXS

dreaming of parallel worlds

2009-02-05T10:50:00.005+05:30

Me
Is a trance junkie
who made a field day-eve out of independence day!

one month into 2009 and I

2009-02-04T10:46:00.004+05:30

suddenly find myself in the middle of so many getaways and events that I feel guilty about everything. It's too many good things to be happening at the same time. to me atleast. I've been out for the last 2 weekends. Was just invited to an excursion to Arugambay this weekend, where I already had planned to go for the perahera, and a birthday party sort of thing. Next weekend again 2 events, then again I plan to cancel on all of them. Suddenly feeling very antisocial. And the funny thing is all of them are with people I hardly know. Interesting change of personality from me, since I hardly hang out with strangers, though I've always tripped around the idea. The arugambay one is very very tempting, wish I had the freedom and peace of mind to just say yes and go. I've been such a grinch for the last 3 days that I myself wouldn't like to be with me! Then again I just might hide it from me as well. oh well.
I want to be a bubbly annoying rainbows and butterfly person sipping cute lady drinks.

living with myself.

2009-02-02T15:39:00.002+05:30

Can a person want some of the simplest things in life
yet make it all complex by wanting two polarized mutually exclusive versions at the same time?

Can a person converse so much with their everyday people, yet not reveal the most personal demons and dreams in their lives but appear to be doing so, just coz it's easier to define certain things ?

I've been told I am a provider. and a link that holds mutltitude of personalities together. I don't see it.

Sometime's I do give a shit. a lot! about every minute issue in other peoples lives that they wonder why I worry and what my hidden agenda is. I don't have one. it seems everybody out there has a underlying scheme for most 'friendly' interactions they have.

and there comes the times where I want to be left alone.

I do hate overkill. and being highly sensitive to the slightest inclination of deep human emotion that it wakes up my own demons.

I know. I don't make sense. I am not trying to. heck, I just need to vent it out.

Pimpesque

2009-01-30T16:52:00.004+05:30

and ugly. check out the body kit!

it only need some gold rims..

sing me a lovesong

2009-01-29T09:37:00.002+05:30

Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie,

gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.
Baby don't be blue, gonna make for you,
gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.
Gonna be a pie from heaven above,
gonna be filled with strawberry love.

Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie,
and hold you forever in the middle of my heart....

feeling bittersweet. wanted to hear a lovesong.

Discovering Adam

2009-01-28T19:58:00.009+05:30

I went. I climbed. I died and went to heaven. And climbed back down.
Was too tired to write about my sri padha adventure all these days, but now since me and my poor muscles are recovering (faster than expected) I have no reason to procrastinate.
How was it? Awesome & Worsome! :)

Started the climb all wrapped up in warm things, redbull cans and all smiles. I can do this. The couch potato without any exercise whatsoever for the last 5 months. CAN.DO.THIS. Starting time-2.10am

15 minutes later.
I was panting heavily. Imagine that. Before going I had this plan of documenting the track uphill by means of photographs. But few steps into the climb I forgot everything about anything. But all in all the first hour was good. We made good progress, even with my friend having gotten nauseous from the busride.
1.5 hours later..
Stopping every 25 steps or so. For a break of 3-4 minutes. My friend had slowed down. I actually didn't know it, until I turned back around and couldn't spot her anymore. I was advised to continue the climb without waiting for her, so climb I did. By this time my strategy was to climb to a point where I couldn't see the place/steps I took the previous break. It worked well.
2 hours later..
Are we there yet?????
how much further?
are those 3 lights the top?
Thank goodness one of the guys climbing alongside had done this climb before several times and knew all the right answers. the right answers=the right lies.
At this point the breaks were getting longer. Climbing at certain points included all four paws. Steps were getting steeper. Legs were starting to hurt. The little teahuts you come across every 20 minutes were crawled into with a welcome sigh.
3 hours later..
Tell me that is the peak pls! Why am I doing this to myself. why why why. (insert some swearing here and there)
The guys ( whom I got to know only that day) found it a little bit amusing I think.
Since it was night, we couldn't see the peak of the mountain but only the lights curving upward, and when you are climbing you can only see the lights upto a certain distance before it bends off. So you keep climbing thinking it's somewhere there, and poof. more lights appear. And you climb again. those lights were mocking me I tell you.
The plan was to reach the top before sunrise. It was 5am already and I was told we have about another 1.5 hour climb left. HOW!?!
We might miss the sunrise. noooh. climb the next 3 steps with newly gained motivation. stop. tiredness hits you and just feel like sleeping right there with the cold mountain air lulling you to sleep.

Around 1 hour later..
By this time I don't have the strength to speak. Even the guys are silent and all of us are focusing on getting to the top. somehow. before sunrise.
We can see the early rays of dawn. I loose track of time after this, and now it's a matter of surviving each 'oh-shit' corner and climbing the one step in front of you. each step is painful. Each ohshit corner dwindles any faith of reaching the stop. Ohshit corners was christened by a friend in the group, describing the reactions of the climbers when they make the turn on these corners. You see, by this time we are almost, right, at the top. you can hear the temple bells at the peak, you can see the beautiful scenery. And you see a flight of steps dissapppearing around a corner into a boulder and you think that's the top. You reach there with new found motivation. turn. 20 more steps await you. OH SHIT.
Believe me you, there are about 10,15 of such corners right at the top. It's painfullllllll.
The last few flight of steps you actually have to drag yourself up the very steep steps by holding on the both the railings and pushing with your arms as well. atleast I had to. gah.
Somehow. I did it. I made it before the sunrise. There was no cry of joy at the top coz there was no energy left for that. I found a comfortable solitary corner by myself (my friend hadn't reached yet) and waited. The pics will explain the sheer beauty of everything that followed I guess.

The sunrise left me speechless for good half an hour as I just sat there. It was peaceful. and everything seemed to come together, one of those perfect moments. I couldn't feel the tiredness anymore. The hopeless romantic that Iam, the old me would have been wondering how wonderful it would have been to share this moment with someone close. But surprisingly I wasn't even close to thinking that. For the first time in my life I was witnessing something so romantic and fantasy like, yet I was completely happy by myself high up there in the clouds.

The climb down was really painful. I mastered a new penguin walk, but it was all worth it in the end. I would definitely go again. And now I know, one day I just might be able to achieve my dream of climbing Mt.Kilimanjaro. All smiles =) =) =)

somewhere over a mountain.. finally!

2009-01-22T16:24:00.008+05:30

Listening to something bittersweet..

I wish I lived next to the sea. I wish! Most of the time friends are too busy, and I live too far away from any decent beach to travel there by myself and come back at a decent hour (as declared by the mater) alone. The coming sunday had a plan, but I am not sure whether that's gonna work out now.
Onto better things, I am climbing sri pada/adam's peak tomorrow night!!! With one good friend and her office mates - a bunch of people I have never met! Can't be that bad yea?, even though a friend who came over to my place today raised one eyebrow at the mention of the workplace of the afore mentioned bunch of people and related a few interesting stories about the reputation of this certain office.
pffshh, We are going in a hired bus helllloo, what can happen in a bus?
And he started to inform me kindly what could happen, before I asked him to shutup like a goodboy. So yea, little did I know this place is thaaaat notorius!
NOO.
Saturday morning, I will be a happychild watching a pretty sunrise while sipping a hot hot sugary tea with the cold mountain air freezing my poor ass. =)
And the artsy-fartsy in me hasn't had a proper outing in awhile now, so the cam will be put to good use.. hopefully.

For Record - Alcohol-free for two weeks (despite having a stash close-by) and having a lot of caffeine for a change. Should I say yay?

p.s. -
While on the phone with another (very religious) friend who climbed the afore-mentioned mountain..
she- don't take food with meat okay?
me-ohhh, okaay. I didn't know.
pause
me- how about alcohol?
I almost almost said that, before mentally kicking myself! Maybe I should have, just to amuse myself.

Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing & Charm School

2009-01-22T15:18:00.004+05:30

I didn't see it coming, but I should have..
I don't know, maybe I didn't want it.Maybe I was jusst too scared.. just too weak..
-Don't blame yourself.. Anger is one thing, but guilt is..a worthless emotion.
It's not the guilt. It's the emptiness..
-Emptiness?
I feel like I'm drifting. In an endless monotonous ocean. All my thoughts just blended together like water.. no form, definition, no beginning no end.. Loss. Loneliness.
You see the whole world just.. slipping away.. and you can't do anything about it.
-Or you don't. You know what you should do.
-Your mind screws with you, and you wind up doing the wrong thing. Or nothing at all.
-It's always a total mess.
Maybe next time.
-Next time? Is there ever a next time?
I hope so.

------

this blog is starting to sound very depressive, which shouldn't be so, since I am not thaaat. Yet, at the risk of sounding more n more like an emo I still wanted to quote this film.

Note to self.

2009-01-15T16:32:00.001+05:30

If you ever decide to have kids,
for goodness sake when/if you want their help, don't criticize about everything else before demanding for help. Ask kindly.

-Keep talking with them. From toddler to horomonic-teen to adult. It's important you communicate. But be Kind.
-Even when angry, be stern yet kind.
-Don't ever be cruel.
-Don't ever ignore them on purpose.
-What you sow is what you reap.

Indifferent

2009-01-12T20:24:00.003+05:30

I've got to a point where I feel and live for the moment, but I am apathetic about everything of the past/future. I am happy when I am happy, and down and out in another hour or so. I share a wonderful moment with a person, yet then I know. Again. However much you care about a person, a lover, a friend. They will leave. Or they will let you down on your expectations. The expectations you didn't try to have, knowing they will be let down. But we all can't help ourselves, we all do build expectations, even a small one. Only human. So I live for the moment. For now I have the luxury to do so. One day I might not.
Oh well..
In the end we all die. Why do anything? Only thing noble I see than living the selfish life for yourself is to live it to make it all better and happy for someone else. but for what? In the end, again you might be fulfilling your own self satisfaction of helping someone else (the feel good factor). Those people die too. I don't believe in heaven and hell. Karma, maybe. But I have my doubts there too.

On the other side of things..
Who is a patriotic?
I cannot believe/hope the end of a war will solve everything for Sri Lanka. It will solve some problems. But what about everything else? You know what I mean. We all know what I mean. But we try to shut out all those questions, by hanging on to a hope of a wonderful tropical paradise island where unicorns poop rainbows. You can't ignore everything else and call yourself a patriotic, just by changing a fb profile pic, or pounding your chest and saying you have a duty to save your motherland, while your brothers fuck it up, or flying the national flag on your roof, or being there in spirit. YET doing nothing to make a change, or worse off ignoring it all.
I am afraid the end of the war will bring another repitition of history. I overheard a conversation between some very educated elderly people in the country. People who have gone through the past 60-70 years of unrest. People who have feared for their new born kids safety in the 83 riots. People who claim they are patriots, and want to see peace. YET, they still haven't learned. They still talk about tamils like every tamil out there who comes to buy/rent a house is a criminal. They talk about muslims like every muslim out there is a dirty old scumbank looking for money. Generalisation goes and works only a certain way. How do we co-exist without learning to accept that each of us are different and we might not be any different than those same generalisation/racist comments in case we were born to a tamil/muslim mother. None of us are superior than the other. How can we hope for a secular land when the people who have gone through all the shit, still thinks in their age-old ways.. And power blinds you and makes you forget your roots. And children of the future are spoonfed those same things, all over again.

In the end we are all trying to get through, until we die. We are all alone. We are all selfish. We are all hypocritical. And everthing is temporary.

All Hail..

2009-01-08T17:37:00.004+05:30

the bullshit Sri Lankan patriotism spoon fed to the modayas of our times.. You, Orion, and I, can all march on to a time of state terrorism now. (30s exposure up at my neighbourhood sky while pondering about our times)

Truly India..

2009-01-03T17:54:00.021+05:30

I thought I didn't find a favourite movie for 2008, and then I watched this. Hadn't heard much about the movie beforehand other than a few friends talking about it, and as I sat down to watch it my only knowledge about it was that it was about this boy in India.
And I was sucked in. To a different world.. of a slumdog.
It captures an array of emotions through a traumatized childhood, exposes the viewer to the harshest realities of modern day India, and yet has a fantasy like ending. What I wonder is whether most of us living on greener pastures, will ever seriously contemplate that this kind of poverty is possible.
As the title suggests Slumdog Millionaire is a story of rags to riches, set in the slums and corruption of India. I will leave you to watch the movie and form your own opinion, but simply put, I found it to be brilliant. The movie managed to leave an overwhelmingly indelible effect on me. Especially the first few chapters of Jamal ‘the chaiwallah’s’ childhood. I teared as I remembered a boy I met in India sometime back while walking on the midst of a paddyfield. Yes, you read that correct :) I got the chance to travel all over northern India, and it was far from what I expected. The multitude of incidents one can achieve by traveling about India I believe is another story. But this boy..., I can still remember his face, better than all the faces of street children I photographed.

This particular place lied in the middle of a beautiful paddyfield around an area usually frequented by thousands of Sri Lankans each year, thus a lot of the beggar children knew Sinhala. We had to walk single file along the paddyfield for about half a kilometer and the kids appear from all over the forest skirts and come running along to ‘greet’ the foreigners. If you have been to India, you would know how street children behave, though these were more of a village version of street-children. It’s like they have their own school on how to beg&win and how to clam at foreigners. To be honest, it gets tiring and terrifying, coz they are not satisfied how much ever you try to give and they get gang up on you if they know you are vulnerable. Previous personal experience on this trip left me terrified of them as I got almost attacked by such a ‘mob’. So when our tour guide for the day told us to be careful on this particular journey through the paddyfield, I took note. We were further told that a lot of kids in the area spoke Sinhala very fluently upto the expertise that they could actually explain the place in Sinhala. I thought ‘yah right’. Little did I know.

So there we were walking along, the usual group of kids coming from behind and front with the same chant and facial expression. It’s depicted in exact in the movie. I fell behind a bit as I was stopping every once in awhile to take in the beautiful scenery unfolding. It was the greenest a paddyfield could be, and the dark mountains in the distance and the forest alongside, and the blueness of the sky was enough to just make you want to sit and stare around in awe. By this time of the trip, I had learned how to ignore the kids, and a lot of them realized I was more interested in clicking my camera, and moved towards the foreigners in front. As harsh as the ignoring part sounds, it’s a surviving skill. That’s how bad it can get.

When I realized I had fallen back I decided to quicken up a bit and I noticed this young boy looking around 17 years of age, weaving his way through the banks of the paddyfield. He ended up walking in front of me, and shooed away the young kids in front and behind me, telling them not to bother me. He said, ‘hello sister’. I lifted my ignorant focus from the ground in front, to his face and eyed him suspiciously. Also checked up on where the tour guide is upfront. Just in case. Walking singlefile along a narrow bank in the middle of paddyfied leaves you nowhere to run if the person infront of you tries anything. Dark in complexion, he was wearing an old yet clean baggy shirt that was buttoned loosely, and blue school shorts (just like in SL). The tour guide noticed him, and shouted something back to the boy in Hindi. And he replied right back and I don’t think the tourguide saw any harm. I didn’t either, though I was guarded. My reaction to his first hello was a mere glare so he tried again. “My name is Raj sister, don’t worry I wont harm you” He spoke my mind and I couldn’t help but slightly smile at his quite innocent and straight forward statement. I still didn’t speak. I had learned that it was trouble if you start speaking to the kids even out of curiousity, coz then they just wont leave you alone. He kept on trying. “sister, why are you ignoring me, I just want to talk. Mata salli epa, mama kemathi ne ekata”. I was surprised by the ease he said those words. He spoke perfect sinhala. He realized the sinhala worked, and he grinned at me.
Raj - oya ai surprise wela, mata hondata sinhala puluwan. (why are you surpised, I can speak sinhala well )
Me- Silent awe.
Raj – baya wenna epa sister, mata oney oyath ekka katha karanna. Igena ganna. (don’t worry sister, I only want to talk with you. to learn)
I finally broke my silence at this and asked him “Why? you like sinhala?”
Raj- ai mata igena ganna oney? Mama kemathi wena languages igena ganna ( Why do I want to learn, I like learning other languages)

Thus, I started talking with him. Mostly in sinhala. All the way upto the place we were sightseeing and back. I learned that he learned sinhala from talking to the Sri Lankans who come there. And from some of the local guides who knows Sinhala there. He said it’s an easy language to learn. I learned that he was just about to finish school, and wants to study further, but he couldn’t afford it. When asked what he was going to do, he said he’s going to teach the village kids until he can save up some money. I asked him why they don’t bother to go to school, why they beg, when they have schools with teachers. He told me he tries, he tries to make them come to school, coz they are even given free food if they attend school. But it’s so much in the system that they prefer begging to school, they eat the food and go back to the street. Raj was wise for his age and society he grew up in. He knew the value of learning despite his surroundings.

He gave me a private tour guide almost, told me the historical significance of the area and a bit about his family. His father was a carpenter. They were struggling to make ends meet but he told he also contributed from working on weekends while schooling. Sold souvenirs to foreigners on the street. Taught kids. Ran errands. Then he asked me what and where I study. I was at a loss of words for a moment. He realized my sudden pause, gave me a wide eyed smile, and said, it’s okay sister I know we are different, don’t feel uncomfortable. ‘Different’ .. exact words he used. He was such a sweet honest kid. I almost found it unbelievable. I told him what I study and what I plan to do. It was such a refreshing moment, I wanted time to stand still. He wanted to study further, but he still wanted to become a teacher in the end. He was telling me how we always have to keep learning from everything :) It was almost like an advise. We also talked about the weather, the recent floods there. I told him it was too sunny today, he told me yes you might get dark sister, good that you are wearing the cap. It was an almost teasing yet again all in goodwill comment I was left to wonder yet again how to react.

As we reached towards the village huts again, he paused, backed away a bit and said “this is where we say goodbye sister thank you for talking with me”. Told me it was really nice meeting me and maybe we will meet again. I was stuck at what to say again. I smiled with him and told him that it was nice to meet him too, and to keep on studying no matter what. He smiled his white-toothed smile at me, along with his boyish attitude of hands casually stuck in his short-pockets and slightly bowed his head in goodbye. I walked the rest of the distance smiling at what just occurred. This sweet polite kid just made my day, gave me faith that honest extraordinary people still exist even in the most unsuspecting corners of the world.
Raj, thank you. I hope you always keep smiling that sincere smile even with the struggles of life to come your way. I only wish I took your address down.

This was the paddyfield >:)

'Licious Nine ya'll

2008-12-31T09:59:00.004+05:30

See what a nice person Iam: Early morning today would have seen a lot of HR managers very happy after opening their prospective future employee emails, and seeing this from Spice. I do hope you didn't get caught red handed with that ensueing search for 'certain' flicks themed on new years..You are thinking about it now aren't ya!

get over with it damn 2008

2008-12-30T20:13:00.004+05:30

Been waiting for this year to be over.. the last few days seems slower somehow. But I really can't complain.. I had an awesome week that's got me thinking about a lot of things. I met a few bloggers actually! None of them had any idea though.

Anyhow, did something so-not-me few minutes back. I am on a beer buzz right now, and went on a whim and said something to someone. lol. This is going to be interesting. Wondering whether I will even get a reply email. (OT)

On a happier note, a certain someone is out with her family and bf right now. Sorta like meet the in-laws! I am truly happy for the couple since it seems like a big step and I can only imagine the feeling.

Now can I be more cryptic eh?

ooooh Happpppy New year peeps! It's just another turn of a day, but atleast us limited brained humans can be disillusioned into somekind of hope nay ? toodees

must.drink.beeer.

2008-12-23T16:12:00.006+05:30

I want a Tshirt with this print!

UPDATE : I got my beer last night :) with a doze of good food served by confused waiters after a crappy hindi movie.

2008

2008-12-18T18:50:00.015+05:30

It seems like it has whizzed by. Yet certain memories are stuck in slow motion, some happy, some not. 2008 has been nothing like I ever thought it could be. I have been tagged by the cynical one. And that! Strangely, one thing yours truly is sure than a Long Island Iced Tea is that she has become more cynical over the past year, if not anything else. And no Sach, that's not coz you have been rubbing off on me. :P

During 2008,

- Lost hope on the one thing that I truly ever believed in, in my life. Though I am glad of how things turned out, I still don't know how deep the scar is. Found myself coming out, jaded than ever.

-constantly keep finding myself looking into my life from outside the fishbowl. Not sure whether I truly feel anything anymore. Not sure whether things I thought I felt are even real.

-made a few new quite colourful friends. All younger than me, yet the perfect package. :) And I am grateful, since I don't click easily and I know I wouldn't have been able to get by without the distractions I had thanks to them.

-said goodbye to another few good friends, who has been taken away by the marriage movement. They are all faraway. Too far. I now know that it's very difficult to be maintain a similar bonding after they get married, despite everything said.

-got to a level of *hick* borderline alcoholism I think. *hick* Nay, I can control myself. :P But it doesn't help that all the new friends you are making are hardcore into the happy portion.

-had a couple of younger men, who showed interest in me. I find men in my own age very immature still, thus the idea of a younger brain was a huge no-no, even though the hot browned bodies were tempting. I want to write this fact down, so that I can smirk at myself 20-30 years from now when I am a old crazy gadget lady ( vs. becoming a crazy cat lady). If only you gave up on finding a mature, funny AND intelligent alien, you would be a happy grandma spice now, you silly old cow.

-earned up for all the immature things I compromised on, for the last 3-4 years. I let go this year. And was happy doing things my way, on my own morals and not trying so hard to stand with one leg skewered on that high pedestal. Proud of myself for learning to call it quits.

-contrary to what the above point might suggest, inside I grew up far more than what I let anyone else in on.

-actually started writing on the blog I created more than a year ago, which in turn was on the coming for more than 2 years. lol. maara procras eh?

-lost all hope on finding a job I think I deserve. 2009 is not getting any left over hope.

-the year has been one of extreme highs and lows, and tough decisions. I thought nothing could top 2004 , but 2008 proved me wrong. Wonder whether it comes with the Olympics always.

This was tough to write. Took far longer than I wanted to spend on it, nostalgia has a funny way of taking over. I just hope that everything will turn out for the better if not the best. I am scared to have any expectations at all now. So fickle! this life.

postscript: In my emo state I actually forgot to tag anyone yesterday. DarksideDaily and MiddleChild you are it. I believe the original tag went something like "So this is christmas..and what have you done.."

One more thing I forgot.. I left a city and people I grew to love over the past few years and returned to SL. For good I think. :S I might not return there soon enough, and I think I am still blissfully ignorant about it.

A for..?

2008-12-13T20:25:00.004+05:30

A for - Annoying
- Airbag
- Agly
- Anarkali...

Other than politicians and OrbiTracks and failures at TV stints, doesn't she have anything else to do other than strut around in Odel, impairing the hearing and eyesight of shoppers? She doesn't seem to be shopping either, just yapping. and more yapping. Everytime I have been at this particular store, she's always there. Every TIME!
WHY?

Shoppers: Beware of the blondi with the sagging chest in a shiny bag of a dress. She seems to have got the hair colour matched correctly with her brain type atleast.

MaskMeMerry

2008-12-11T21:06:00.001+05:30

Effing thing of an year
fears, twist into exact
dreams chuffed out
wants incarcerated
a different mask
a brand new year

Question

2008-12-07T16:47:00.004+05:30

Why do people have to pose with the 'V-sign' (peace symbol) in each and every photo they take ?
One or two, I can understand. But all?

Same goes to the 'rock-on sign' too.. ---->> \m/
hmm.. It is called the rock on symbol yea?
I have been spotting this on every photo of all the wannabe heavymetal headbangers, weeders, stoners, you name it. Again, it's not in one or two, but every photo. repetitive and unrelated.

Oh yeah, it's on those facebook walls and photo comments too!

This reminds me of another thing most Sri Lankans seem to overdo. Their sense of fashion. Let some piece of clothing come into fashion, lo and behold, within one months time you see every damn shop out there selling it by bulks and every woman and child wearing the same foresaken style! I know it's called fashion but you really don't have to overdo it or wear what everyone else seems fashionable! For some reason collectively they overwear a certain item and run it to the grave, that you'd not want to be even caught dead in it.

Some such items-
I remember elephant pants was a rave when I was kid.
As of recent - Babydolls, leggings?, those boldly printed tops, the chunky belts, hotpants..

Alrighty, back to my lazy lazy sunday evening.. :)

Of busses,men and trickle trickle merry-pees

2008-12-06T19:25:00.011+05:30

Went in the bus yesterday after years, and well, I realised my memory has faded a bit on the compliments of busrides in good ol' Sri Lanka (other than the thrill of a high speed deathride ofcourse).
To the knowledge of inexperienced females out there, SL busrides include the complimentary attributes like: the sexy sweaty musk of unhygienic commuters, a blabbering dirty conductor, a whale-ish woman who needs the seat next to her to rest her minuscule excuse of a handbag as if taking up half of the other seat with her ass is not enough, and of course the mentally disarrayed male population. The woman even had the nerve to glare at me for asking her to move her bag from the only seat in the bus!

I was perplexed at how to react to a certain incident on the bus ride. The bus was quite empty, and three 19-something men(kids?) got in and I really didn't see them behind my seat or even knew they were there until I felt something brush against my hair lightly. My hair is very short but as someone was standing next to the seat right behind me I thought it was unintended. But this alerted me to the conversation of these three. Realization hit they were actually talking about my hair. It went something along the lines of maara kondey ne, maara chic, wonder where you got the hairstyle from, etc etc. It was a combination of english and sinhala and an attempt to get attention. Was slightly annoying since they were right behind and quite loud. Now the pissing off point came when I felt that same brush of hand again. This time I knew it was intentional, instinctly turned around to give a peice of my mind and and and.. I could only manage a pissed off frown and a glare. Reason? I was stuck. Well what could I have said?
"What the fuck do you think you are doing trying to feel up my hair?? (intial-reaction which I didn't voice)"
"Malli salon ekata yana paara kiyannada? (after-after-thought)"

I realised I couldn't really communicate in sinhala and sound as annoyed as I was. Also realised I really didn't want to say anything in english thought they were speaking in singlish on and off.
But I think my dirtylook was enough and they chickened out from there on. OR they finally realised I was much older than them. This was what I naturally expected them to think, and was the reason at me been a bit taken back when I turned around and saw how young they looked. Okay, I am not thaat old (still reaching my mid twenties ;) ) but still!!! I was dressed like a professional after a very professional day at a business meeting at the super professional WTC !
Or am I getting a bit ahead of myself wanting respect from some immature kids? Sigh, I think my adult-genes are developing. Anyway, I still can't think of a response in sinhala I could have uttered that would have really taken my message across!

On a totally different note, RD I'd like know whether you know a method of doing a stealth-pee? Please do share, if you do. Going into the loo,unintentionally with a senior professional whom you are trying to impress, and listening to her pee in the cubicle next to you while you try to control the volume of your thunderous pee that seems to echo off the cubicle walls IS.NOT.PLEASANT. Especially when your bladder is loaded up with mugs and mugs of coffee. Each and every noise, of a zipper and pants going down, to the initial trickle and the sudden control to reduce the volume, it's so damn loud. To top it off you get very light and merry, christmassy music in the background (courtsey of the WTC loos sound system).
And the acting comes when you both pretend nothing uncomfortable just happened and wash your hands and walk out making pleasant conversation. Ahh, joy!

Of Recession and Sub-prime crisis

2008-12-02T16:50:00.007+05:30

So with the USA officially declaring today that it has been in a recession since December 2007, and the global meltdown in the process, I thought of writing a few words on certain roots of this crisis. Say a slight technical informative view.

It all began with sub-prime loans. Before you scratch your head, let me explain. Sub-prime loans can be described as loans that are given to borrowers who are perceived to have high credit risk, mainly coz they lack a strong credit history or have other characteristics that are associated with high probabilities of default. They are a lower class of loans compared to prime loans.

This was an underserved market in the US more than two decades ago, but it gained interest of many lenders in the mid 1990s, due to market innovations that reduced costs for lenders of assessing and pricing risks. Basically, technological advances facilitated credit scoring by making it easier for lenders to collect and disseminate information on the creditworthiness of prospective borrowers. Another factor for the splurge in sub-prime lending was due to regulatory changes. New regulations made it easier for lenders (banks) to sell of their mortgages to other investors on the secondary mortgage market. This is what securitization is. Very simply, a bank would give mortgage loans to homeowners. Thus the homeowner will be paying a certain monthly interest to the bank. Now to give out the initial loan the bank should have money. How does the bank get this money? They pool all the mortgage loans into one security (imagine a stock that reflects the pricing of the loan pool) and sell it to investors (like selling stocks). In return, these investors receive a certain return from the repayments bank receives from the homeowners. The risk here is that the investors take on the high returns as well as the risk of defaulted pay by the homeowners. The higher risk you take the higher the return. The bank is a mere broker earning commission in the transaction.

Homeowners ---interest + monthly repayments--- > Lender/Broker ---bond payments(returns)------> Investor (Mortgage bond market)

Homeowners < ---Loan to buy house----- Lender/Broker <---buy mortgage security (bond)----- Investor (Mortgage bond market)

The important thing is that the interest rates that are paid by the homeowners are not fixed. It’s related to US Federal Fund rate and adjustable accordingly. At the time of the sub-prime boom, these rates were low. Thus, the low credit rated homebuyers could buy their dream houses, the banks (lenders) got their commission and investors were taking on high returns from the high risk they were taking. There was no sign of the property market going down, no sigh of recession, everybody was happy.

So how did this happy bubble burst?
The housing market from what I know. The house-builders built too many houses and prices slowly went down as many houses remained unsold. annnd BOOM! The sub-prime crisis hit the housing market in US in 2007, with high inflation, increasing interest rates and declining real-estate prices. In short, the crisis refers to various credit problems faced by the sub-prime lenders and other market participants.

The adjustable sub-prime lending rates increased with rising Federal Fund rates, and the homeowners found it difficult to repay the suddenly higher monthly interest. Defaulting began. As the houses (that were bought on the loan) were the collateral for default the banks/lenders ended up having a lot of properties in their hands. What's more, they couldn’t sell it back at profit to the market, since the property market was on a downward trend. With increased borrowing rates, people became more cautious in buying real estate thereby slowing down money flow and resulting in holding of assets by the lending companies.

With the declining housing prices, the value of their mortgage backed securities started declining in the secondary securities market and the investing companies (such as CityGroup, Merrill Lynch and, HSBC) with their high uncovered exposure to the crisis started losing in on their investments.

With the news of the market downturn spreading, these companies’ stock prices and revenue took a negative turn, largely affecting stock markets all over the world. Some of these mortgage backed securities prices went down to zero, absolutely no worth, and several big investors lost billions (imagine a stock you invested in at USD40 come down to zero). For example, Merrill Lynch, still plagued by declines in the value of assets such as mortgages, reports an estimated net loss of $1.96 billion for its 2008 first quarter and Citigroup reports similar loses due to sub-prime exposures ( off topic, I can't find the references right now, can I get sued by this? ).

Thus, here we are, an economic crisis all around, and poor me jobless at home trying to enlighten atleast one reader. I did try to make it less technical yet informative as possible.
A more elaborate and expert account can be found here.

Hmm. I should be grateful I haven’t suddenly lost my home, or left wondering how I am going to pay for the next meal.
But still. damn it.

BUT I need to vent

2008-12-02T12:08:00.006+05:30

Solving the puzzle by Spice

So I have been in a very lousy mood for the past week. Job hunting has become a truly depressing task. I am never one to easily give up on something I have set my mind on, but I might have to settle for less from the way things are going right now. I have always been good at what I do, studies or previous part time jobs. It came naturally, the work hard, party hard attitude. Thus for any employer I am a good investment since I can easily become a happy workaholic corporate whore. So Why am I still jobless!! :( I am slowly loosing my ambitions, my dreams. No, let's not go there. I blame it on the crisis. I don't know what these senior bankers are talking about when they say the US crisis wont affect Sri Lanka. It's affecting every damn private/blue-chip/BPO/financial company in the island. All of them are laying off or restructuring. And definitely not hiring. Have you seen the vacancy pages on sunday papers these days? No? Coz there is none. Or there is a mere 2 paged scrap of paper looking for fit-models for lingerie. I have been considering that, but not sure what the pay is for letting some woman touch you up on the upper field. And can I get some free VS goodies with that to go please? Can? Then I am in. Anyone know what the pay is like for a fit-model?

So yes, I am trying to figure out which way to go these days. While ambitions/career plan A and plan B are slowly getting fucked my head is all messed up. It's going in a rampage of crazy yearnings (of the alcholic kind) and man hunts.

I've been asking good friends to accompany me to a lonely beach plus bonfire, boombox and some ethanol. To watch the sunset and sip a nice mojito with waves lapping at your feet. Orrrr I could do with one of those susbstance induced kiddies rides at excel world. Anything!!
As for the manhunt, it seems a better yielding one than the job hunt. Suddenly there seems to be a lot of attractive bodies around ;) I have lost touch with this whole flirting thing and now I am not sure how it's done. The sublte art of flirting that is. Not the lame overcooked one!
I've EVEN been thinking about getting hitched fashionably young as the trend seems to be these days. Any single rich dudes out there who is willing to take care of my maintenance bills in return for me letting him do whatever he want in thw world?* Tall, dark, slightly built characteristics are preferred but not neccesary.

Sigh. I need to figure out the rest of the jigsaw pieces soon, or I am going to end up the exact opposite of the Ms. Independent I am trying to be, with a rich manwhore.

* - Certain conditions apply.

Of 2 hour study breaks & friends

2008-11-26T11:21:00.010+05:30

It's been sometime, but I just received this pics. Involved a lot of sweet gluttony, insults shouted across doorways, tables, and doodles written on whiteboards, banisters, tables and walls. We've marked our area in our apartment not sparing any nook or corner. Group studying ambitions always ended with us slamming doors and telling eachother to stay awayy.. and half an hour later the same bunch can be found huddled over a plate of chicken tandoori. This is how we studdddied..

we had a large boxful to last 2 weeks of incessant eating

my roomi (art courtesy of yours truly)

my roomi

I think this was supposed to be me. :P
and ofcourse the shot to end the exam trauma

goodbye message

Goodluck to all those studying for their exams..

Status update

2008-11-24T19:06:00.005+05:30

Now:

Tomorrow Morning, Before Intimidating 4th Interview (I4I):

During I4I:

After I4I :

Pehla nashaa pehla khumaar..

2008-11-23T20:56:00.008+05:30

.
.

"Pehla nasha, pehla khumaar..

Naya pyaar hai, naya intezaar..."

do you remember ?

You can be my hero babyyyy

2008-11-21T12:03:00.005+05:30

Haha cheesy cheesy title. I know. Just had to push those buttons!!

So I was sharing extraordinary life moments with a certain someone (hmm, let's call him candyman). We were trying to top eachother (a little game we created) and many many interesting revelations later, just when I thought I told the all-hail-victory story, he tops it off saying he has saved 7 people. Seven human beings from dying due to a sailing accident. Made me go, "aren't you something..", and think to myself "ooh my tall dark valiant hero" (gush gush). Isn't that a nice thing to hear from a person you have a certain thing for ? :)

ps-I sure do pray and hope you are not reading this candyman..

moneyyy moneyy moneyy

2008-11-20T10:32:00.004+05:30

I wantttt! Loads of it. Can't live like this anymore, I am done trying. Planning to rob a bank. Can't be that hard in good ol' SL yea? Anybody want to join? sigh. this post is going to be a whiny one.

I is depressed. Jobless, doughless, friendless. Well, I am exaggerating a bit on the latter, but still, it is Sri Lanka hellllo. Can't go 100m without having to spend 100 bucks or talk 10 minutes without $$$ being rung up. So how am I supposed to maintain friends? or make new ones to replace the ones dragged away to happyland by the damn MMSL (Marriage Movement of Sri Lanka).

sob. sob. sob. Early morning (10am) saw me reading LadyD's and DeeCee's posts on chocRoti. :(
Now I've had banana roti which is really really sweet, but nothing sweeter than that, and I tend not to like to mix my sweet stuff with my generally spicy stuff (roti). But I definitely wanted to try it after seeing this pic. I have been having this unshakable craving for a certain type of cakes from this specific outlet for a few days now (refer pictures below and imagine mouth watering luscious, luxurious, sinfully delightful chocolate/cheese cakes).

I can't get over those for 3 days now and LadyD you talking about chocRoti with a nice bunch of friends didn't help this poor soul. I am half jealous these days when I hear about friends and meetups and etc, coz I miss my besty bunch, but more than that I can't hangout with any new ones either. Why? I don't have cash!!! Why don't I ? Coz I don't have a job and I hate depending on the rents. Go find a job I hear you say, well try looking for a certain finance related job when a world financial crisis is going on. :( My timing sucks. big hairy ugly limp balls! euu that was gross wasn't it.

I could go on and on. Cmon, isn't it sad when you make friends with random strangers from different countries through online poker coz you can't afford to go grab a coffee or a roti in real life?

Moonlit Dreams

2008-11-17T23:21:00.015+05:30

Moonlit Dream by Spice
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream. Wandering by lone sea breakers, and sitting by desolate streams. World losers and world forsakers, for whom the pale moon gleams. Yet we are movers and the shakers of the world forever it seems."

-Arthur William Edgar O'Shaughnessy

I tried to take the full moon closeup, on a not so clear poya, but it seems according to experts, it's better to 'shoot the moon' when it's not in full bloom (ahh that almost ryhmed now didn't it?) It's too bright at full moon to get the edges very clear, so I've been told. Thus I shall try again on another clear not so bloomed moon night to capture you in all your glory my lady.
Taken at f/4.5, 1/30 s, ISO100

Now the Have's

2008-11-16T11:12:00.005+05:30

I have..

-nothing much to do on a Sunday morning other than to write the "I have's" of mine and do my duty to fellow bloggers. :D Plus, long island tea rocks!

-scared my sibling hundreds of times by hiding at the top of the stairs when we were small. And he fell for it everytime. Poor thing got scarred for life.

-fallen for McDreamy, Dan Humphrey frm GG, Robin of Loxley in Robin of Sherwood, Charlie of Party of Five.

-kissed a girl. actually 3 girls on different times. ;)

-a certain liking for those girlish light smokes which leaves a sweet (mint,strawberry) taste on you lips. But I really can't smoke smoke(inhale too much) to save my life even.

-climbed out of my tall tall cot that was twice my baby height when noone was looking before I even learned how to walk. It still remains a mystery.

-been told to stop talking with the besty by the teacher in every class, be it school or private. We were identical in a lot a ways, even looks, and we just couldn't stop talking. Impossible. Even though we were together since 7am till 6pm most of the week, we could never run out of things to jabber about.

-said yes I love you and yes I will be your girlfriend to a floor manager of a bar/club, while been very very tipsy in the clubs unisex washroom. Well how could I not, when he sneaked free drinks and got us in free and etc etc every time. My friends couldn't think of a better way to party free than auctioning me to this cheesy 20 something floor manager.

-walked on a lonely road past midnight near a cemetry with someone whom I had a thing for back then. Adrenaline rush I tell you.

-contemplated death, several times. Mine and others. Is it strange to imagine how you might feel if someone you care about deeply were to die? I am worried about how my imagination work.

-been leered at in a strange way by this man from the moment I got out of my vehicle to go inside the driving instructor's place. I walk in giving him a nasty look and few minutes later, while I was waiting outside for the instructor to come out, the same man appraoches me with a shy grin. I was getting ready to hit him with my hand bag, when he blurts, sister don't take this the wrong way but your zip is open. And continues to walk away, while my mouth and zip remain agape for a few seconds.

-had a pet baby owl who was rescued and kept in the bathroom and fed little pieces of meat. I was too small to remember anything else.

-once asked everyone to go grab all the flower pots, broom and other things outside when it started raining, while trying to do the same myself. I must have been about 3 or 4 and noone knows what brought on the sudden spurt of raincare for such amusing objects.

-a crush on someone, who is tall, tanned and extremely comfortably nice.

-have a besty who is extremely religous, non-alcoholic, non-smoking, well-behaved and another besty who is the exact opposite. And another one who is stuck inbetween those qualities, like me (I think). And I miss them terribly.

-been eating kiribath and lunumiris while writing this post.

Tempted by the I have nevahs

2008-11-14T17:12:00.007+05:30

I have nevah

-understood the way "I digress" is used. It sounds unnatural- always whack bam right in the middle of something.

-been in a moshpit. uncool?

-had a boyfriend. (haha gotcha!)

-been kissed by a stranger. (still looking)

-been comfortable with making small talk.

-gone on a proper romantic wine & dine date.

-been good at sports. Though I wish otherwise..

-learned to swim properly atleast to stay afloat. I can manage a feeble frog-stroke.

-imagined (about 3 years back) that I would be able to get by without having a better half for more than a year, but I am doing just fine :)

-been comfortable with crying in public, even among friends, eventhough I can tear very easily. So it's always a struggle of hiding the saltwater.

-weighed more than 54kg. and I'm taller than 5'7''

:) there... some random nevahs about Spice.

Are you afraid of the Dark?

2008-11-14T14:07:00.007+05:30

So I was a huge fan of the mundane horror series back in the day. So much that, it used to thrill me to watch the matchstick flicker out! I know, I know!! But to date, ironically, I happen to be one of the biggest wimps of all when it comes to dealing with The Dark. While I've never had monsters-in-the-closet scares (maybe even back then I knew my closet door was too heavy even for a monster to open), I've been reduced to hold-your-breath-in-case-they-hear fears numerous countless times. ~~It still happens sometimes.~~ One time I do remember very vividly. Woke up startled in the middle of the night. It was pitch black. Now I always sleep on my side, and found myself facing the wall, with this low snarlish grumble right behind my ear. (You know usually you see people scream or wakeup vertically straight when they are scared. I never understood that. I would break out in a sweat, freeze in position, breath heavily, or even start trembling, but can never scream when I am scared by a nightmare or sleep related scares as the one I am telling). Anyhow, back to the growling, it was terrifying. 9 or 10 years old at the time, I was imagining this snarling monster near my ear, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of movement. I could even feel its' warm presence heave up and down on the mattress, behind me. So there I was frozen in position, scared to move, scared to breath, waiting for 'it' to go away. "I know there aren't monsters, I know it can't be real, I should just turn and face whatever it is. I can't get out anyway, maybe I can bravetalk to the monster. Maybe I am dreaming". Yep, I actually thought it's better to figure out a way to talk to the monster, than appear scared of it, by screaming. It's these back and forth moments of cowardliness and courage that I always remember later on and think, wimp! So, with all the guts I could muster the little me turns her body round to face the dark green red eyed monster, only to find her beloved grandma sleeping next to her. Snoring. Very loudly and weirdly. Cmon, noone could have guessed that was someone snoring! So I shake her lightly and cosy upto her, and the snoring dims down, and I am a happy puppy again, brave as ever *grin*.

Nowadays, my frights at nights involve thieves. If I wakeup at night at some sound, I tend to go through the whole freeze-in-position dilemma again. The things I imagine at those times, the ways a thief can harm me, my family, if he knows I am awake, are the stuff Hollywood would be proud of. Most of the time, the thief turns out to be the mater, waking up early to do some of her work and going around in the dark, or just noises my house makes (I hope). God forbid, imagine the jitters I would go through if my place was actually robbed ?

Torn..

2008-11-12T17:07:00.004+05:30

It's funny really how everything can change in the blink of an eye. Feelings of euphoric happiness, completely erased by a simple mistake. Or what I like tho consider a mistake as I doubt other people would. It's Ironic how ones sense of selfworth is completely destroyed with a simple gesture. A simple statement. I'm currently on a rollercoaster of highs and lows, my highest being that of a mole hill. Things are going from bad to worse and back up again...

I could be in the largest crowd, and I would still feel loneliness down to the deepest chambers of my heart. I could be showered with torrents of adoration and affection and love, and still I would feel nothing but worthlessness. My confidence ripped from me and shattered on the rocks below. My feet placed at the very edge, arms thrown out and head hung low; my dead eyes watching as emotions I once reveled in drain from my torn heart like my life's blood...

My heart is torn. A hand on either side, ripped at the seems. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season, for this I gave up trying. It's like every day I try to go no where, most of the time I just break down and cry. I feel empty, yet somehow satisfied. Heartless and cruel. Uncaring, Unseeing. I lost what I care about most, and ended up lost myself whilst looking for them. A dark, endless road lies ahead. No light to guide my way. Blindly stumbling into what is unknown. I fear nothing. Yet so scared...

My own heart an endless abyss. A black chasm from whence there is no return. Sometimes I feel that's where I've lost myself. In that black chasm, which I thought I knew so well. It seems to be never ending. Endless darkness. A darkness which grips at you and consumes you. You care about nothing, nothing cares about you. You are nothing. Just like me..
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I summarized my feelings and put it out on words, made it perfect. Word perfect. But for what? Where do I go on to from this entry? Torn..

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ps- While I was writing on this blog, I remembered one of the older blogs I had on LiveJournal, few years back. Kottu and the SL blogsphere were non-existent then. Or I think. And out of curiosity, I revived it up, and went through it. The above writing was taken from it. It managed to shock me. Given that I wrote in that blog during a very dark period in my life, I found a morbid, dark, almost suicidal person. I can actually admit it to myself now and talk openly about it, and I can see how far I've come and how hard it was. But I am glad now that, that period is tucked away in an out of reach closet in my heart. I am a much better person today, happier and sunnier. I am more like who I am naturally, and not what I became trying to live life on other people's standards.

pss- This is very personal, I might take this down, if I feel like it. I just wanted to record this realization. I guess that's one advantage of keeping a blog, you can see how you grew and changed as years pass by. :)

Kissed by a stranger

2008-11-12T11:10:00.007+05:30

It's quite dark other than the glow casting on our faces. I presume we are watching something on TV (or are we at the movies?) and suddenly he's next to me. Our friends are all around us, but none of them are mutual. Heck! we barely know each other! And I can sense my thoughts go haywire, what am I doing next to this person? So close?? Why is my head on his shoulder, how, when, what? And then..
He turns his head towards me, ever so close. I can feel his breath, warm on my upper lip. Slowly he kisses me.. and I return it! it’s intense. one of those stolen out of breath kisses you will only experience seated next to eachother at the movies. almost unreal. it lasts for sometime and we look at eachother like a normal couple head over heels disgustingly in love.
Happened last night. Today morning, I log into my laptop, go online, browse my daily online world, and then sign into msn. And I see his name! CLICK!! And it all comes flooding back to me, and I am almost blushing, at the thought of dreaming of this strangers kiss. Where on earth did that come from? He’s cute, that I can tell you, but I never think of this person more than the typical guy he is, I’ve had no fleeting crushes on him, and he’s the exact opposite of a guy I would fall for. And we are not even friends. Just a hi-bye, casual acquaintance. He would laugh his guts out and make a wisecrack about how sexy he is, if he ever found out. Not that he would. ;) My mind works in very strange ways, I hardly dream, and whenever I do, it’s something like this, surprising me.
ps- I've never been kissed by a stranger, and if the excitement is half as how I dreamed it my might be, I am all for it. Any tall-dark-mysterious-greek-gods out there?

I Remember - A Beautiful Frenzy

2008-11-09T22:33:00.005+05:30

Damien Rice.. Sheer Brilliance! This performance is a musical orgasm in its own. A raw, chilling, haunting, goosebump inducing type. Like it reaches in to your core. I can't even imagine the imprint it left on the audience.

Plus, he's all droolworthy!

omg! I lived to tell the tale!

2008-11-08T19:54:00.008+05:30

Thank you god, my lucky stars, or who or whatever for getting me through this horrendous experience. What was supposed to be a quiet afternoon with a couple of friends turned out to be a nightmare for two of us. One got sick in the middle and had to drop her all the way in Rathmalana, and I was driven back by the other friend back to my place. And I swear I haven't been so agitated ever in my life about someone’s driving (hmm maybe other than the driver who was fired coz of his constant pointless headlight flashing and horning, giving all passengers an equal headache). So this friend, he is a nice person, mostly at the butt end of our jokes half the time. But as a driver, he's a moron!!! (btw is buddy-bashing accepted in the blogsphere?)

Now...
Imagine the joy of squeezing through two huge-assed buses both wavering on to you. I was clutching on to my dear ol' pumping heart! Then let’s not forget, racing with a whacko bus driver who in the end got stopped by police. Okay I know guys have ego issues about their driving skills, but cmon who tries an ego-boost with the whacko bakalan-bus-drivers of Sri Lanka!!! I was glad the bus got stopped coz I swear I saw the murderous gleam in the bus-drivers eyes, at the prospects of his new found pray. He was swerving left and right, and the moron to my right was right abreast swerving alongside. Phew so the bus got stopped. Then came the horning! Imagine nonstop horning in the middle of very slow traffic for no goddamn reason, and sprinkle that with some swearing here and there. I swear, I don’t know how idiots like this don’t see the utter stupidity in their actions. I had to repeat constantly, “Enough with the horn! Can’t u see the bloody traffic!” I tried my patience in the beginning, given that of course he was kind enough to drive me back home, quite a distance, while he had to attend some other function later as well. But I wasn’t in for a ride to hell, direct from Galle Road. So, it went on and on, until I almost had it when he squeezed through a zebra crossing while there were people on both side of the road just stepping on to cross. I was flabbergasted. Told him to stop, and let me get down and I’ll get home somehow (even though I was penniless at that moment). Then he was like okay okay I am sorry, I’ll drive carefully. So he was slow and careful for awhile, and then came a checkpoint. This has happened once before with this same guy, and after that I have always made sure to keep an eye out for all checkpoints if I ever hitch a ride with him. This idiot, almost.. almost passed a checkpoint without stopping when you could clearly see the police dude stopping us. I was saying stop, thrice! Thank god he wasn’t driving as fast as before, or my mom would have had to collect her daughter’s bullet-ridden body from the mortuary tonight.

Finally we reach my place; I remove the seatbelt with a sigh of relief, and thank him for the ride from hell. He laughs a slight nervous laugh, and I think he is a hurry to get back, so I just let him go, WITHOUT the good bashing I was intending. But then again, I don’t think people like this ever change, coz me and my friends have given him lectures on his reckless driving before. Several times. I just don’t get it, how people like this survive on the road. Every time we go with him, it seems to me if none of us were in the vehicle he wouldn’t have stopped at that checkpoint or this redlight. How do they drive on their own? With him it’s hard to even call it anger coz generally he has a cool temper. Maybe road rage is another whole different story. Bloodyhell, the amazing factor is he has never gotten into trouble with the cops or with any accident in the past 3 years I have known him.

So, any ideas of how to deal with road-morons like this? Especially when it’s a generally very helpful nice moron?

ps – Great. I check my utorrent, and guess the latest movie that just finished downloading? Just what I needed after my deathly ride.. Why couldn’t it have been “Taken”. Why oh why?!

There's always the first time..

2008-11-07T22:03:00.007+05:30

So here I am. After years of reading and watching the Sri Lankan blogsphere and sometimes participating, I have finally decided to dive right in. Having followed the popular blogs in the likes of Indi, Missing Sandwich, Java, Darwin, the London Drummer, Sach, Lady D, Scrumpy, Middle Child, Gutterflower, n etc etc for ages, it's almost strange that I can relate to you guys (in the strange virtual ways of the www). Yet none of you have any idea of this stranger. Have any one of you paused to wonder who might be reading your blog? There may be a whole world of people out there (possible stalkers, or better yet, know it's them whom you are referring to even though you try to garble out the identity facts ) who might be following your every move silently! :P

Anyhow, well I decided it's finally time to join in. (Honestly I have been too lazy and have been postponing this since 2006, procrastinator much ? )

So let's toast for new beginnings! (I can almost feel the silent 'eh' stares right now!)